"I had to give" someone feedback
Feedback is critical to learning. Without understanding the impact our actions make we cannot course correct and become better. One of the best sources of feedback is our team; the folks we work with. Not only do they have an understanding of how we work, they understand something about the work itself. This gives them insight into how we can improve in specific areas, as opposed to generalities.
Understanding that feedback is important is one thing, but being able to accept it is something else entirely. Many times the phrase “I had to give so-and-so feedback” is used when describing giving feedback. This phrasing sets up a bit of an adversarial understanding. They’re giving feedback because they “have to”, because something went wrong that needs to be fixed.
Phrasing
This phrasing instantly tells everyone that someone screwed up. It tells the team that so-and-so made a mistake and the boss (or whomever) has to come down from on high to make sure it doesn’t happen again. This phrasing also puts the boss into the mindset of “correcting a bad thing” instead of “helping someone improve”. At this point it stops being positive feedback, and instead turns into something closer to a punishment.
The person receiving the feedback will also pick up on this difference. Going into a meeting where you “have to be given” feedback primes you for being in a defensive / negative headspace. It takes what should be a positive event - learning to become better - and shifts it into a negative event - being dressed down. While this certainly isn’t guaranteed - after all everyone will accept and interpret feedback differently - it certainly doesn’t help.
Part of how feedback is delivered is built into the culture of the company - do folks expect regular, honest discussions on how they’re doing and where they can do better? - or do they expect to only be told when they screwed something up? While this framework will certainly impact any feedback discussion there’s a lot a team, or even an individual, can do to frame feedback as a positive.
Use different words
As noted above “I have to give feedback” sounds negative, so just say something different.
“I liked XYZ you did, let’s talk about how you can get even better next time”.
“I’ve got some ideas on how you can increase your impact”
The intention is to present the discussion as a positive, “lets help you do even better” talk vs a “you screwed up, don’t do it again” talk. The words you use to transmit that intention are incredibly important… take time to think up a way to indicate you’ve found something they can do better, without sounding like a demerit.
Openly talk about feedback
Many times feedback is only provided during set times (generally around performance discussions). This not only guarantees it’s stale (ever had a manager bring up something that happened 4 months ago? Or not bring up anything at all?), it also clearly ties it to performance. This linkage is dangerous since it puts everyone in the mindset of “feedback had better be positive or I won’t get my bonus/increase/whatever”.
This also makes feedback a rarity, something that only happens at set points. This breaks any positive habits around feedback and instead sends you scrambling to look up what feedback is, how to write it and how to accept it. Knowing that it’s coming up, and that you and your team don’t regularly do it, just adds to the stress of it all.
Many of these challenges can be overcome by making feedback a regular, and open, thing on your team. The more the team experiences feedback, the more the team talks about the feedback and the more open it is will make it easier to give, and accept.
