Dealing with crappy weeks

We've all had a crummy day or week.  You know those times when everything seems to go wrong and any bit of news is bad news?  That week when a major deployment you’re managing hits a massive (or even small) snag?  They hit all of us differently, from shrugging and moving on, to getting worked up emotionally, to taking it entirely personally.  For most of us they’re not fun (especially if you feel like you’re responsible for the problem!), but there are ways to help get through them.

Separate the emotion

Emotions are great tools in many situations, but when we’re evaluating a problem they can get in the way.   At the very least the emotions of "I screwed up", "I hate I have to XYZ" and others suck up mental bandwidth we should be applying to solving the issue.  At worst they end up catching us in an endless cycle of "I'm terrible, I can't do anything".

The first step is to simply acknowledge that your emotions are getting the way.  This is easier said than done, but feelings of anxiety are generally a good indication that emotion may be clouding things.  Taking time to write down how you’re feeling can also help clear out, or at least minimize emotional responses.  Having a friend or colleague at work you feel comfortable talking to is also incredibly helpful.  They can both help you identify what the actual problem is and figure out good steps forward.

Keep moving and find the positive

During a crummy day/week finding small wins, or even making tiny amounts of progress, can help turn things around.  Finding these wins gives you an anchor, something to point at and say “yeah, it’s not so bad”.  These moments can also help improve your emotional state, helping to dig yourself out of that hole as well.

I find it easiest to review the current work I have and seeing what low-hanging fruit exists.  There’s almost always something you can pick off in 15-30 minutes that will move the needle.  Maybe it's something “too small” to do normally, or something that is a passion project.  In this case it doesn’t really matter WHAT it is, just that it is something you can accomplish and feel good about.

Make a Connection

Talking through the crumminess can also be a big help.  Ideally there’s someone at your workplace that you can speak with and just go over what happened.  At the very least they can be a sounding board for you to just get everything out.  More likely they can offer some insight into what’s going on, possible steps forward and the like.

Speaking to folks outside the office can also help, although they may not be able to offer the same insight as a colleague (if only because they don’t work with you).  This, however, can be an advantage; they’re not also in the same situation and have a different perspective.  At the very least you can unload a bit with someone you trust.

On Perseverance

Perseverance, the ability to keep going despite hardships, is a very important skill to learn, and something I recently had a chance to practice.  On Friday I took what should have been a 4 hour exam… which lasted 5.5+ hours.  Instead of starting this (stressful) exam that I’d spent 8 months preparing for immediately, I was greeted with a black screen and a spinning beach ball.  Despite figuring out how to get help, I ended up waiting on hold for tech support.  For 2.5 hours.  Talking to chat bots. In circles.  At several points I considered just calling it and rescheduling (something that would set me back another two months).  

Instead, I took a moment to breathe and figure out my options… Everything basically amounted to waiting on hold for chat support… or phone support… or chat support again… and again and again.  I figured if I could just get the RIGHT agent on the phone, I’d get in and could take my exam.  It just took my not giving up.  Eventually, 2 hours later I found that agent, and my exam started.  8 questions in it immediately broke.  Again.  This was another chance to give up.  I’d already spent half my allotted time not answering questions, and who knows how much longer it would go on for.  Instead I chose the perseverance route; apply my previous strategy of reaching out again. And again. And again.

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This was not as easy as it sounds. Whatever chat system I was tied into would automatically send me a message “from the agent” every 3 minutes. It was something like “Thanks for your patience, I’m still looking into your issue”, that just repeated. After 40 minutes of non-responses I began asking if anyone was actually there, and they could type in literally ANYTHING other than the stock message to let me know. Eventually I hung up on that chat and opened another, and kept doing that until I found someone who could help me. The same thing happened to me on the phone; after 30+ minutes on hold an agent would pickup, tell me they’d fixed the issue, then hang up. I even asked one to stay on the line until I could confirm the issue was resolved, but they said they couldn’t.

Long story short I ended up passing that exam…. But not after getting a hands-on lesson in perseverance.  In this case it expressed itself in not giving up, in not saying “I give” and quitting, in continuing to look for an answer despite every avenue being non-helpful.  This is hard stuff… it would be SO much easier to just reschedule or do it later, but it wasn’t worth it to me.  Not only would I have to go through all the anxiety of prep AGAIN, all the waiting AGAIN, I’d have wasted almost 3 hours of my life on hold.

Situations like this crop up all the time.  We’re in meetings that we’re bored stupid in.  We have to work on projects that just… never… die.  Something fails and we lose several hours of work that we have to re do.  The challenge is not to get stuck on how annoying/stupid/etc the situation is, but instead of focus on what’s important; being present, completing our work, solving the challenge.

Flexibility

In any given day I find myself coaching team members, managing projects, investigating bugs, being blindsided by new asks, and many many other things.  Looking back, any given day represents a crazy mix of things, and juggling them all is certainly challenging.  Despite the insanity of it all, I only really find problems when I try to control the flow things, or when I push back directly and reject doing something.  Fortunately the best approach to this isn’t to just accept ALL work that comes my way, but rather to be flexible in what (and how) I accept.

Many roles these days are anything but specific.  Job descriptions provide a rough outline of what a role is, but they can never fully capture what you’ll be doing if you get the job.  Even if they’re fairly well written, they tend to include something like “duties as assigned”, which leaves a HUGE amount of room for other responsibilities to creep in.  This craziness isn’t even touching the randomness that is smaller companies and/or startups!

Handling multiples

The wide range of randomness heading our way requires that our approach shifts from one of “I only do XYZ” to “I do a range of things”.  The trick to finding a good balance within this range isn’t to remain rigid in how we accept things, but rather to be more flexible in what we accept, and more importantly, flexible in how we reject things.  This may be further compounded by who is asking us to help out… for example if a VP is requesting help it can be a smidge harder to dodge that than someone else.

Being flexible in what work or responsibilities we accept has several benefits.  Exposure to new areas/teams/ideas helps improve our overall skill sets.  This can make our current jobs easier (by providing better context, resources, etc), and also opens doors that we may otherwise not have looked at (e.g. cultivating an interest in a new area of the company).  Flexibility also improves our relationships, either by exposing us to people we wouldn’t otherwise work with, or by giving us time to deepen existing relationships.

Being flexible in how we reject work is equally (if not more!) important.  There are times when you’ll decide you can’t/don’t want to take something on.  When asked (or “asked”), straight up saying “no”, while direct, will likely be seen negatively (e.g. “you’re not a team player”), potentially damaging your reputation but also reducing the likelihood you’ll get help in the future.  Instead you need to find a way to bend out of the way.  Suggesting alternatives (“Did you consider asking so-and-so? They’re really good at this”) and pointing out better ways to do the thing (“Instead of manually doing this, did you consider automating it?”) are great approaches that avoid the need for YOU to do the thing, while still helping ensure it can get done.

Flexibility also means being open to changing how you operate.  Especially now with many folks working from home we’ve had to change up how we work.  Resisting the need for video conferencing is basically impossible, so instead of fighting these, flex, and use them.  Sure, it requires some effort and creativity to find new ways to operate, but by making time to update team norms, meeting schedules, and other aspects of work you’ll avoid the discomfort of trying to fight the tide.

Make Time to Connect

Frequently I find myself either directly involved in, or watching, a chain of emails/texts/messages going in circles.  One person asks a question, which is misunderstood or requires followup, which leads to more questions and goes around and around and around.  It is incredibly easy to keep that chain going… after all, we know the other end is reading them, and we think we can get to agreement if we just. keep. emailing.  

Unfortunately this is rarely the case… At best, this results in wasted time as it takes several cycles to get to mutual understanding.  At worst, it results in damaged relationships.  A much quicker (and simpler) approach is to break the cycle and connect - pick the phone (or jump on zoom) and take the 5 minutes to explain things in person.

Tangled

Communications technology is a weird thing.  It allows us to instantly send messages, but weirdly this results in us being further apart instead of closer together.  This could be due to the asynchronous nature of text communication (there’s no way to tell when the receiver will read it), in the static nature of the communication medium (sarcasm, for example is REALLY hard to pickup ion text), or in the assumption that other folks will “just get it”.  Regardless, email or comment wars frequently crop up, with individuals endlessly sending messages hoping ONE of them will make sense to the other side.

We’ve all read a response from someone and wondering how the heck they didn’t understand our message.  We took so much time carefully crafting our message, only for them to somehow miss the point.  So we take more time to carefully craft a response… which is received in a similar manner on their end.  This chain eventually becomes self-sustaining and will continue indefinitely unless someone breaks the cycle (the worst I’ve seen was a ticket with 150+ comments on it running in circles).

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The problem with these cycles isn’t that the folks involved aren’t smart, or well intentioned, or anything about the person.  It’s about the medium and some assumptions we make about it.  Tools like email, slack and @ mentions are great for quickly sending a message around the world… unfortunately they also fail to capture a great deal of information.  Tone is hard to encode in text… so is sarcasm, body language, and basically all of our body language.  We tend to not see verbal communication run in as many circles because we get that additional information… we can see if someone is confused, or more easily pickup on frustration.

We also make assumptions about how we communicate and how others will interpret what we say.  On our end we assume that our message is understandable.  For ourselves this is (hopefully!) true, after all, we wrote it.  For someone else, however, this may not be as correct.  We all filter communication through our own experiences, and others rarely, if ever, have the same experiences we do.  This ties directly into how someone else would interpret our message.  Over time we get more familiar working with folks, but even WITH experience we can send a confusing message.

Finding Clarity

The trick, then, to breaking the circle of endless text communication is to step outside of it and use a different method.  Getting back to a place where non-text information is shared (phone, video chat, etc.) will reduce or eliminate many of the problems pure-text conveys.  By making communication more real-time we also provide immediate opportunities for the other parties to ask clarifying questions or point out challenges immediately.  By both reducing the feedback loop, and providing a richer communications environment, we can make our connections much more impactful.

Self-Awareness

Being aware of ourselves is one of the most important skills that we can learn.  That said, from my experience it also happens to be one of the harder skills for people to learn.  Figuring out a new technology or sales technique is easy - we attend the training or we tinker with the tool.  Figuring out how YOU work, what makes you frustrated, what your habits are, however, doesn’t have a class or a seminar.  It’s not something you can REALLY tinker with or take apart.  Instead, it requires a level of critical thinking and truthfully examining yourself. This is, to say the least, a bit daunting.

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On the up-side, there are many versions of things like the Meyers-Briggs (you know, that one that tells you what color you are, and how your color interacts with other colors?) test to help teams uncover their inner operations.  (Or maybe that’s the MBTI, I always get them mixed up…).  These types of exercises are useful, however I find they usually can’t get deep enough in some areas to really dig into self-awareness.  These exercises help point out how an individual may interact in a professional setting, but it ‘s up to the individual to figure out how to apply that across the board.

This makes sense, since many of these assessments are intended to help groups of professionals work together.  They both provide a common language with which to discuss how people work (“you’re an WRST? I get it now, I’m a BEST!”) and also some general guidance for the individual on how to operate.  This works great for groups that all take it together, however, I’ve found them a lot less useful for individuals.

Choices

Work presents an interesting version of this since we can’t really choose who our co-workers are… we’re kind of stuck with whomever’s there at the time.  This differs greatly in our personal lives.  We are, to some extent, stuck with family, however, we do have a great deal more control over those relationships, and who we choose to socialize with.  This makes understanding how, and why, we will/do react in specific ways even more important… we’re consciously choosing to be with these folks instead of being ‘forced’ to.

The same techniques teams use at work to improve themselves can be tweaked to help out in our personal lives.  Some ideas include:

• Regular Retrospectives - Make time each week to reflect on the week and any areas you want to improve.  How did certain conversations go?  Do you understand why you get easily annoyed at something?

• Focus Time - Set aside specific time to take a deeper dive on one area of yourself.  I find journaling is a great approach for this; something about writing things down helps get them out.

• Active Feedback - Find someone you trust to talk over what a blindspot might be or how to improve something.  This helps break down any mental preconceptions of yourself you have, but does require a lot of emotional trust in whomever you speak with.

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This isn’t to say it’s easy… even admitting something to yourself (let alone someone else) about how you think/feel/act can be hard.  That said, it’s certainly worth it.  Getting a better handle on how you will behave in any given situation both makes you more effective and also reduces any surprises on your end.  Over time you’ll also learn more about yourself, in turn making future improvements a little bit easier.

Three Doctors

There’s a parable I heard at some point that’s always stuck with me.  The more I’ve mulled it over, the more I see parallels to work (especially in my field, IT):

A parent had 3 children, all of whom became doctors.  

The youngest was a good doctor, and could cure a disease after it ravaged its patient.  Due to their skill their name was known throughout the country.

The middle child was a better doctor, and could cure disease at the sign of its first symptoms.  Due to their skill their name was known all over their county.

The eldest child was even better, and could cure disease before the patient even knew they were sick.  Due to their skill their name was known throughout their hometown.

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I particularly enjoy the inverse relationship of skill to outcome and the correlation of reputation to severity.  Everyone would agree the eldest child is the best doctor - who wants to get sick?  Despite their immense skill, however, only the people in their home know who they are.  Everyone would agree the youngest child is the most well known doctor - we all know the names of folks who’ve put out massive fires.

Skill vs. Outcome

I heard at some point that a bored IT department is a good thing.  It means everything is working as intended, there are no outages and everyone is happy.  (Think about it, how often do you go hang out with the IT folks except when something breaks?...). (Go hand out with the IT folks more).  While it is possible IT is bored because they’re totally oblivious to problems, it’s also possible they’re incredibly good at planning and preventing problems from cropping up.

You can’t complain about a problem that never happens.  The “problem” with that approach, however, is no one knows that you’ve done anything.  There’s no visible action you’ve taken that helps folks… so they don’t know who you are.  IT can, however, take steps to change that.

Many IT departments publicly release metrics on things like system up time, number of tickets resolved, how long it takes to solve tickets etc.  These metrics help tell the story that may be invisible - how many issues are avoided.  Many groups also proactively reach out to partner teams to inform them of what they’re up to.  Systems updates aren’t as impressive as putting out fires, but they do keep the house from burning down.

Reputation and Severity

Everyone knows someone who is a “fire fighter”, that person who can come into a terrible situation and somehow fix it.  These folks are certainly necessary as bad things happen… but it’d be much better if those problems never happened or were avoided entirely.  Dr. Fauchi is a good example of this.  He is handling an immense task with incredible skill… but in another reality COVID would have been contained and we’d never have heard of him or learned of his skill.

Personally this correlation drives me nuts since it suggests all the preventative work we do is essentially unknown.  Even worse, folks may get rewarded for reacting to problems instead of preventing them from happening (that said, to the best of my knowledge it’s impossible to measure things that don’t happen).

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While I have never found a single “best” solution to this challenge, I’ve found a few things that do work:

• Be proactive with messaging - Ensure your partner teams know what you’re up to (at least at a high level), and that they understand the value to them. Patching a server sounds REALLY boring, until you realize it prevent a massive data breach that just hit someone else.

• Help your team understand the importance of diligence - It feels good to be the firefighter… everyone knows who you are and how good you are (at least at putting out blazes). It can be hard to get folks to shift to prevention, but make the effort to help your team see the value. (Lower blood pressure, for one).

• Culture of sharing - Fires sometimes spring up when someone doesn’t feel comfortable raising a concern or admitting a mistake. I’ve found that calling out my own mistakes in our team communications has helped de-stigmatize this a lot (it also helps others avoid the same problem). Encourage others to do it as well, and soon folks won’t feel as bad if they do make a mistake.

Forward Movement

“When in doubt, go forward.”

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Much of martial arts is about retraining your body.  We’re born with a huge number of instincts, reflexes and hard-coded behaviors to help us stay safe, which are great from an evolutionary perspective… but they’re not always the best approach.  For example, when we fall, we naturally extend our arms towards the ground, absorbing the impact on our palms and joints.  This is great for keeping our heads safe, but at the cost of our arms.  Retraining our body to fall differently, absorbing the impact along the side of our body, results in more safely hitting the ground.

Another example is sparring - our natural inclination is to move directly way from someone attacking us (The “Prometheus School of Running Away from Things”).  This knee-jerk response attempts to put distance between us and danger, but  we’re likely to trip, and will eventually just get run over as they continue forward.  To be successful in a fight, this instinct has to be reprogrammed to instead move in, towards the perceived danger.

Moving in

Ideally we’re able to avoid danger by avoiding it, but when needed this forward movement has a number of advantages.  Once you’re in a dangerous situation it’s usually better to be closer to the source.  This helps keep you out of a danger zone (e.g. it’s really hard to punch someone who’s only an inch away), and also allows you to take steps to neutralize the threat.  In the martial arts context this means closing the distance with your partner so you can protect yourself and attack them.

This physical concept can also be applied in non-phyiscal situations.  While the threats we experience at work at (hopefully) more metaphorical in nature, we can still benefit from moving towards then, rather than away.  Recognizing a teammate doesn’t fully understand what you’re asking them to do, for example, is a threat to your project.  They may not take the correct action, and result in a poorer outcome.  Once you’ve recognized this threat, instead of ignoring it and hoping it’ll take care of itself address it head on and have a discussion with that teammate.

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This could also take the form of actively planning future projects now instead of waiting.  The threat in this case is missing deadlines or even entire portions of the project due to no planning.  Actively engaging and moving towards this threat will at the very least help you understand the potential outcomes.

Moving TOWARDS the danger is also not something that is expected… after all, we’re hardwired to run.  In a fight this gives you the advantage of surprising the attacker (e.g. they won’t expect you to get closer to them), which gives you an opening to strike back and escape.  At work directing the challenge directly and straight on results in quicker resolutions, and helps positively improve how others perceive you.

Of course we cannot enjoy this strategy without first undoing what evolution has provided.  This is a long and uncomfortable process, but one that is wholly worth it.  Physically, we train this by standing in a corner and moving up towards someone as they punch/kick at us as we move towards and past them.  This is essentially exposure therapy, and helps your brain understand it’s not as dangerous as it seems.  Over time, you’ll get more comfortable moving in towards a threat, and eventually it will become a habit.

Comfortable being uncomfortable

Work offers similar situations.  Any time a perceived threat crops up, go to it directly.  Have someone you have challenges communicating with?  Don’t wait for them to approach you, grab some time and talk it out respectfully.  Notice an error in a system or insufficient documentation?  Don’t hope someone else will address it, proactively solve it.  The exact form this takes will vary based on the threat you find, but by practicing moving to the threat you’ll find you can resolve it significantly easier, and more quickly, than by running.

This approach definitely falls into the “get comfortable being uncomfortable” bucket.  Discomfort, I have found, is generally an indicator you have room to grow in some way, and this is no different.  The good news is that discomfort eventually disappears, and you’re just left with a good habit of forward movement, on that lets you deal with threats and exploit opportunities.

The importance of having a good stance

Every movement in the martial arts is supported by some kind of stance.  Some of these have really cool names, like Dragon Takes Flight, while others… less so (like Squat). Regardless of the creativity and color behind the name, these all essentially boil down to how you’re standing.  Some are on one leg, while others look like you’re just… well, standing.  Regardless of the precise physical form it takes, however, every martial arts movement has one.  The stance provides a foundation for movement, and they mainly providing support for the rest of the body to do something (punch, kick, dodge an attack). In addition to setting you up for success, stances also help train the body to become stronger and more flexible, making the rest of training easier.

It doesn’t take years of martial arts training to see when someone is not using a stance.  Something just looks…. Off.  Or maybe someone stumbles and falls. Or maybe there’s a hesitation before the next movement. This is especially true when you put two practitioners next to each other with one in a proper stance and the other not.  Watching someone without a good stance attempt to perform various moves also highlights the importance of having a good stance.  This individual will be less stable, stumble more, and appear to be less powerful (because they are). You can see these things even without direct experience of what it should look like (being an instructor makes me incredibly thankful for the patience of MY instructors).

Devil in the details

Understanding the importance of proper stances is something that takes time, sweat and experience to fully understand. You can easily tell someone that having a good stance is important, but it’s something entirely different to realize that concept.  Despite multiple instructors drilling it into me, it still took me ages to fully realize WHY they kept yelling “hit your stance” and other adjustments as I trained. Here the devil is truly in the details as a small adjustment to knee placement, or minor hip movement can drastically change how the foundation supports the rest of your body.

Real world stability

The concept of having a solid stance is something that can be applied across many areas of our lives.  At work, failing to have an underlying process that tells us what to do will result in shaky execution.  If the foundation of what is being done (the stance) isn’t understood team members won’t know what we’re doing, and will make mistakes (such as not communicating effectively, failing to take specific actions, etc).  Personal finances are in a similar boat - if you have a solid foundation of disciplined saving/etc.  At best you’ll deliver sub-standard results… at worst you’ll collapse completely.

The good news is you don’t have to be a super expert to improve your foundations. In the same way you can see someone’s physical stance be stronger or weaker, you can also see when your foundation in other areas is off. Be on the lookout for poor communication, missing information or confusion. Many times these can be (realtively) easily improved, but at the very least you will get a better idea of where improvements need to be made.

Play a little, train a little, work a little every day

One of the better approaches to planning/spending my day came from my martial arts training.  “Train a little, work a little, play a little every day”.  This approach has helped me stay (a bit) more balanced, and has helped keep me from going overboard in any one area.

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Work a little

In the same lens of improving ourselves physically (or my addition of upskilling), taking a little bit of time to “work” is also important.  Originally I took this to mean job-related work, taking time to write a few emails, tweaking a set of slides, or thinking through a strategy.  This helps keep moving things forward, but I’ve also found it helps relieve some mental pressure (especially over weekends!) as I get time to plan things out.  

In the same way we can combine “Train a little” with both physical and upskilling, we can do this with “Work a little”.  I frequently think through a work challenge while I”m on a run.  This double dipping gives me a bit more time to figure out what I should do, while also helping me improve in multiple areas.

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Play a Little

This is an important one… take time every day to play.  I interpret this to mean do something you enjoy solely because you enjoy doing it.  This could mean playing a video game, reading a book, gardening, or anything else you enjoy.  The point of this isn’t to improve a skill, or get something done, it’s to allow yourself to relax.  Relaxing helps us let go of stress, and more importantly helps us unpack our emotions and thoughts.  

I find this unpacking makes it much easier to re-engage with work (or something stressful) than if I haven’t had that time to unpack.  It's similar to organizing your closet - at the end of it you realize there’s a lot more space than you thought, and you can actually find things.

Train a little

In the martial arts aspect this would mean making time to go run forms, or practice fighting, or teaching.  This could be a formal class, going to the park and training by yourself, or just taking 5 minutes to meditate during the day.  As I thought about this more I also realized it covered anything related to improving myself as a martial artist.. Going for a run, putting together a training schedule, updating my notebook, etc. all contribute towards training.

As I’ve spent more time in the workforce I’ve also come to understand this from an upskilling perspective.  In addition to the physical training aspect, I also include things like learning a new skill through a platform like Udemy (shameless plug!), reading a book that relates to business or talking to others about their approach to their career.  The point isn’t to pick a specific way to improve your skillset (whether it be physical, professional or otherwise), but that you take time every day to do SOMETHING to move the needle in those areas.

There are some ways to combine these, such as listening to podcasts while running, or having in-depth philosophical discussions while sparring (let me know how that one goes if you try it!).

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All of this isn’t to say that you cannot have days that focus on just one or two of these areas.  Many of us frequently dive into work and take a lot of our time to wrangle with those challenges.  This can be a great use of time, especially when we’re in a flow state or achieve something satisfying.  The danger is we end up “stuck” in any one of these modes to our overall detriment.  By taking time to do each of these, train, work and play, we allow ourselves to trend more towards a balanced state. WE can even combine these, such as the listening to podcast while running example (improving work-related areas while also exercising).  The more balanced and stable we are, the better we will be able to react and address other things in our life.

There’s always someone better...

One of the more egotistically painful lessons I’ve learned through the martial arts is that there is always someone better than you.  Someone better, faster, stronger, higher-jumping, etc. than you are. Even worse, even if all you did was focus on the training there are still folks out there who are better in those areas that you can possibly be.  I spent a good deal of time beating my head into this idea (fruitlessly) before finally accepting it.  Once I got over the hump of wanting to be the absolute best at something, I could finally focus on just doing MY best.

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It’s the Same Everywhere

Our professional lives are no different - there’s always someone who knows the tech better, is paid more, has a “better” job etc. There’s always someone who puts in more effort, gets more blind luck, etc. And while there’s no Olympics of coding (or tech… or finance…), you can bet that if there were most of us wouldn’t come close. It can be incredibly hard not to obsess over those differences. This is a very slippery slope; once we start we end up spending more and more time thinking about those things. At best this ends up sapping energy and focus from things that are actually important - work projects, family, friends, your self, etc.

The worst part about this is the energy we spend obsessing over others results in less energy to spend on becoming better ourselves. The very “problem” we are concerned with ends up taking away from a solution to that problem. While there are a great many things we can focus on in people who are “better” than us, there’s also a great many things we can focus on to get past this mental trap.

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Getting Over the Hump

The best way to move past this is to simply accept that there are others out there, somewhere, that are better. After all, it’s factually true, and you (hopefully) don’t dispute gravity, so why this? That said, this is hard… really hard. It requires giving up some portions of the self that can be really satisfying to entertain (who doesn’t love imagining what it’d be like to be the best at something?). It initially takes a LOT of mental energy to not allow those thoughts to surface (why is it NOT doing something can be harder than doing something?…).

This is a challenging skill to build, but the effort is more than worth it. Learning to first identify, then stop, then completely avoid, going down the “I’m not the best” rabbit hole takes a lot of conscious effort. There are a few tricks I’ve learned to help:

• Acknowledge when those thoughts pop up - we cannot stop something if we don’t know it’s there. Simply realizing that you’re having these thoughts is a great first step in curbing them. This might take the form of writing it down, saying it out loud, or simply telling myself mentally that it happened. Over time you’ll end up training yourself to automatically do this and save yourself the trouble.

• Redirect the thought - Instead of thinking “Sally’s so much better than me”, I ask myself “Why can I learn from Sally to get better?”. This helps convert the potentially time wasting effort into something that I can use to improve. Depending on the situation I might even go talk to Sally and pick her brain a bit (I’ve met a LOT of great people this way).

• Get external validation - I find it way too easy to convince myself I’m not doing “well”. It helps to ask others how they think I’m doing. This will either give me positive feedback to help boost me up, or give me some (hopefully) constructive feedback on how to improve.

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Just like in the martial arts, the fact there is someone better doesn’t mean that each individual can’t, or shouldn’t, do their best to be their best. While in some cases another’s success can come at the cost of our own (e.g. not getting the job opening), in most cases other’s success is, at “worst” neutral to us (e.g. we don’t get harmed in any way by it). Many times their success can actually help us (a teammate develops a better process that helps the whole team and gets promoted), so instead of focusing on “why aren’t I the best”, take time to focus on “how can I become the best me?”.

Tilting at work

Tilting is a term I picked up from playing video games. Imagine you’ve got a team of people playing superheroes and you just lost a game. You make some mistake that loses the game, and then you’re stuck in your head thinking how terribly you are… and then another mistake. And another… and then you’re yelling at your teammates. This is tilting, and it shows up in more places than just video games.

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Anatomy of a Tilt

I always thought “tilting” was a great term to describe someone on negative run of output. It tends to also go a bit deeper than just venting (but venting can be part of it) and becomes a downward spiral of negativity directed either at oneself (internal tilting) or others (external tilting). I found a great definition from a user named “Kryptine” over on the Blizzard forums (and outcome given the video game context):

As their post suggests tilting may be initiated by something YOU do (for example - in the video game context falling off a cliff and having to start over), or your inability to succeed due to the actions of others (your team member doesn’t pass the ball so you miss a critical play). Regardless of how it begins, the end result is the same - a single spark sets off a downward spiral of negativity resulting in a substantially worse outcome (smashing your computer with a hammer in Kryptine’s case).

All tilts begin with some trigger which kicks off the mental decay. At work this could be missing a deadline, getting poor feedback, etc, but there’s always one specific point that causes it to start. Once it begins, it becomes self-reinforcing, kicking yourself over missing a deadline causes you to get overly critical with a teammate, which causes friction which makes your mood worse. They all also (thankfully) end at some point… generally when you realize things are going from worse to terrible and you just walk away for a bit.

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Internal Tilting

Most of the time we think of tilting as something we watch other people do, or we do to others (we’ve all had SOME experience doing this). I find that my own self-talk can fall into this category too. Generally this feels like it comes out of nowhere…. “Dummy, you screwed that up the same way last time”, “Well that was incredibly stupid of me”. These tend to be knee-jerk responses to something happening, and I find unlike someone on my team tilting (more on that below), it crops up with some regularity. I’m not sure if this is me being too critical of my own work, or just a runaway internal monolog, but sometimes it is very disruptive.

I’ve found a few ways to help mitigate it’s impact:

• Keep an “I Rock” folder - A stockpile of positive or supportive messages from colleagues / friends is a great way to help those negative voices calm down / go away.

• Ask a colleague for their thoughts - Frequently I find getting an external opinion about my negative thought helps smooth things out. Most of the time I’m either misreading a situation, or or blowing something out of proportion.

• Imagine a stop sign - I’ve been using this one more frequently to stop a runaway train of thought. Just imagine a stop sign (or anything, really) popping up and stopping whatever thought is floating around. You might have to do it several times, but its been reasonably successful for me.

The aftermath of an internal tilt is always a bit challenging… you basically just need to be gentle with yourself and let it go. Take a moment to think about what happened, see if you can identify WHY it happened so you avoid it next time and move on with your day.

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External Tilting

This is much easier to observe, since you can see / hear someone doing it. This tends to take the shape of a team member being hypercritical, or focusing only on the errors committed. A major difference between this an internal tilting is external tilting can impact multiple people. Imagine you’re in a meeting and someone goes off on you, or in chat, or any other environment that multiple people are in together. Not only will the target of the tilt feel the impact, the rest of your team will as well. An odd advantage of this is that the rest of your team can help to curb or correct the tilt, so the approaches to correcting it look a bit different.

• Point out positive things - This is a bit situation dependent, but when someone is on a negative tear pointing out a win can help get them back on track (or at least nudge them that way).

• Let them vent - Depending on the context, sometimes just letting them vent for a while can burn the tilt out. This can be dangerous since it may put them (or others) into a worse tail-spin, so I tend to reserve this for one on one connections.

• Walk away - This can take the form of you or them walking away for a bit. Simply excuse yourself, get up and leave. Take some time to do anything else to allow yourself (of them) to reset and recenter.

If I’m the one tilting in a meeting II will do my best to call myself out and apologize (usually after the fact). Frequently I will ask my team for help in figuring out what happened and why so we can all avoid it next time. If someone else was tilting, I’ll see if I can identify why and see if I can help avoid that going forward (not always possible, but certainly worth the effort).

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Tilt Detection and Avoidance

It’s one thing to recognize a tilt in progress and try to disarm it, it’s something else entirely to avoid it completely. Internally I am ruthless with negative thoughts. As soon as I detect one, especially if it’s in reaction to something (like an email that ticks me off) I mentally step back and evaluate what’s going on. Is it possible I’m mis-reading the email? Who can help me fix whatever problem has popped up? Simply taking a few minutes to breath and look at my options helps keep me from spiraling.

External tilts can be a bit harder to manage since we don’t get that same internal feedback, so frequently we can only watch as someone goes off the deep end. The strategy with these is in preparation and knowing your team. Most of us can probably guess what our teammates triggers might be. This makes it relatively easy to determine if/when someone will tilt; just be on the lookout for those triggers. Easier said than done, since it requires you having enough info to make that determination, but it’s certainly possible. When I think someone is beginning to tilt I usually reach out right away with an offer to help. Sometimes it’s accepted, sometimes it isn’t, but simply reaching out can help nudge someone away from the end.

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Keep it positive

At the end of it all the best way to avoid, or recover from, a tilt is to keep things positive. Focus on the parts of the project/day/whatever that are going well, and help others see that as well. While it can feel a bit like you’re faking it (and you very well might be!), it can nudge everyone towards a less stressful outcome.

I Rock

One of the first things I do any time I start a new job is make a folder called “I Rock”.  As time goes on I add anything to that folder that makes me remember that I do, in fact, rock.  This might be something as simple as a thank-you from a business partner, to a screenshot of someone’s positive feedback, to a list of the projects I’ve successfully launched.  The intention is to give me a solid library of positive things that I can look at any time I’m feeling less than 100%, but it’s got a great upside during performance reviews as well.

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Remembering what you do well

Humans are, unfortunately, a bit hardwired to remember mistakes, or things that maybe didn’t go as well as we hope (take a second to think of something you didn’t do well back in, say, middle school…. now try it with something you did well. Which was easier?).  This makes complete sense, since we need to remember something that might hurt us (don’t go over there, the tiger will eat you). Unfortunately, this ability generally ends up in us only remembering the negative experiences (like that one email I sent without proofing).  While yes, it is useful to remember the things NOT to do, it is even more important to remember all the things that go well.  While these memories are always great to think about, these snippets of positivity are a great counter to those times when we screw up.  They allow us to blunt the impact of the error, or even erase the emotional negativity entirely.

We’ve all been stuck in those downward spirals of “I screwed that up real bad”. Personally, I find it challenging to break out of these since everything feels like failure. I also find these states make it easier to keep screwing up (or at least I perceive it that way) since everything is already tinted poorly. Having a life-line of stored positive things is a great way to help pull myself out of those holes, or at least stop me from sinking deeper.

In Practice

Personally I take a two pronged approach to building up my stockpile. I create a folder on my desktop or in gDrive and I make an email label.  I’m sure there are other ways to keep track of these - printing off hard copies into a binder, setting up an auto-reminder every week with a random sample of a positive message, etc. I’ve found that these two options play into my laziness.

I use the label the most frequently since most of my work happens to be in email. Finding positive messages is as simple as clicking on “I Rock”.  It’s incredibly easy to add something I want to remember, and it makes for instant gratification when I search for it.  It is also really nice seeing EVERYTHING that pops up.  I get to both see the individual emails, but also the total, which has a huge impact on how I’m feeling.

I use the folder for screenshots or downloads of positivity. This might be a Slack message from someone thanking me for sometimes, or a bit of feedback from a performance management system I don’t want to lose.  I save everything with a short name and the date (“Thanks from integrations - 10 1 2019”) so I can figure out what It’s for, and I make sure the sender’s name is included in the screen cap so I remember who sent it. I tend to use whatever built-in screen-cap solution is available on my computer (again, laziness wins).

I do get the occasional laugh when I’m in meetings and someone spies my folder or label. This tends to kickoff a great discussion about what it is and why I have it (I’m surprised more folks don’t have a similar bucket to capture their awesomeness).  I get chuckle too, since it is a bit odd to keep these snippets, but I’ve caught a few of my coworkers adopting this approach.

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Performance Bump

While I mainly use these tools to help boost my mental-health they can help when performance reviews come around. Many places I’ve worked have had some kind of performance management system that is intended to capture feedback/kudos/etc as time goes on. Despite this, I find that many places do not have a culture that provides prompt feedback (or frequently any feedback at all).  While the intention behind these tools is to collect or send real-time feedback, they are seldomly used in practice.  This makes it especially frustrating when called out for doing something incorrectly (or, depending on the situation, “incorrectly”), while never getting called out for doing positive things.  It does take some effort to keep a personal list of the good feedback, I’ve found that in addition immensely useful when looking for a pick-me up it can help when being reviewed.

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You Rock

We all do great things on a regular basis, the challenge is recognizing them and remembering them later. These things don’t have to be big, they can be small wins, a quick thank you from a teammate, or something you feel you did well. The point to keep these artifacts of success readily at hand to help keep driving you upwards and onwards.